You have been warned!
You may…or may not…be shocked at the shit that goes through my head on a regular basis. But why should I keep it to myself when I can waste your time having you take a glimpse into my head? Sounds completely rational and legit to me. Ready? Remember you can turn back now. I’ve warned you. Ok, well here I go!
I have an irrational fear of bananas. We will call it the “B” word from here on out. Well, maybe not completely irrational, but I’m so completely traumatized that I can’t stand to look at them, obviously I don’t eat them, and, Sweet Baby Jesus, does the smell of them make me want to vomit! No joke, I think I can smell them from at least 100 yards away. (just ask my previous co-workers) Ick. My awful, meanie head, stupid, doo doo face old babysitter was told that I HATE THEM! (even by my parents) For years it was never a problem until she obviously got a stick up her ass…because there is no other logical explanation…and made me sit at the snack table and eat a “B.” It took me AN HOUR!!! AN HOUR…yes, that’s what I said. What happened next you may ask? Every. Single. Bit of the “B” made it’s way right back up. *puke alert* I think it is worth repeating: Ick.
Then there is the pet peeve of people not letting you out of the elevator before they get in. Let’s think about this folks. I am on the elevator taking up space. You want to get in the elevator and take up more space. IT IS NOT LEAVING WITHOUT YOU! If you let me, the space taker, out then you, the space seeker, will have room to get in without running me over. I will trip a bitch. So, let’s keep this civil and remember elevator courtesy. Which, while on the topic, I think should also include moving towards the back of the elevator when you are not ready to get off but there are people getting on. I CAN NOT WALK THROUGH YOU!! Sheesh.
We are all adults here. (and if you are not you should close this page immediately and tell your parents to turn the parental controls on for your computer) Each and every one of us should be washing our hands after we use the restroom. NO EXCUSES. No soap? At least run hot water over them and kill whatever nastiness off that you can. OCD like moi and/or plan on using your own hand sanitizer? Still not completely acceptable. Wash them and slather that sweet smelling hand sanitizer on afterwards as well. Extra protection is not just for sex anymore folks! *disclaimer: Even I may have fallen victim to this…Bars and any concert venues are the worst so just put that hand sanitizer in your pocket before you go because there will undoubtedly be no soap and the sink itself working is 50/50.
Let’s talk about check out lines at the store. It has happened to everyone and you may even be the culprit…so if you read this and realize you are, stop, just stop. You are standing in line a few people long and there are also people behind you. “Finally!” you think to yourself as another cashier walks up to another register and opens up. What happens? The jackasses behind you decided they have waited long enough and quickly hop over to that line. UGHHHH, EVERY TIME!! Just because the cashier doesn’t say it, which I’m here to tell you that they usually do, they are taking THE NEXT PERSON IN LINE!! (unless your stuff is already on the checkout belt then you are just out of luck, sorry.) I’m not exactly scared to be confrontational (true story) so I have no qualms about saying anything and I am pretty sure I have called out some of the nicest people in the world and poteeeeeentialllllly used potty mouth words. Yep, yep, I’m 100% sure. Congratulations on saving 2.653 minutes of your life by being a dick. Common courtesy if you ask me….because we all know common sense is just a myth.
God gave someone the idea of adding turn signals to cars. Use them. They are helpful and even kind of pretty. Don’t be a jack hole.
SEAFOOD. Yes, seafood. We have a hate, love, and hate again relationship. It’s like a bad marriage that someone stays in just because there is still that little bit of a spark left. Why on earth did I spend the first 27 years of my life not eating seafood?? (EXCEPT popcorn shrimp which we will get to later.) Dead people. Yep, you read that right, dead people. Let’s just put our Kimmy thinking caps on for a minute. They are sort of like regular thinking caps but they make you think like me. Better yet, stick to a regular thinking cap because shit gets weird in the Kimmy thinking cap. ANYWHO. There are dead people in the ocean. Anyone ever heard of a little incident called the Titanic? And all those pirate ships that sank? And all those killers…mobsters specifically come to mind…that drop dead people in the ocean? Lost flights where everyone on board was killed? Fishing accidents? The Mexican cartel and people smuggling? I could go on and on but I will save you a minute of your life. Fish feed on things in the ocean, right? So, by the law of something in physics ( I guess, I never took physics) it it 100% of a legitimate theory that fish eat the dead bodies in the ocean. So, in turn, eating seafood equates to you eating dead bodies. Think about that and let it sink in for a minute. Moving on, although I now know from the assurance of, well, everyone…and my therapist…that I am not eating dead people if I eat seafood I’m still skeptical but I’m up for trying new things. Oddly enough, if my theory does turn out to be right then dead people that have been digested aren’t too bad. I did just say that and I did just throw up in my mouth a little so scratch that last sentence. Ew. After my seizures which I swear up and down changed my taste buds, I have FINALLY started trying different kinds of seafood so naturally I’ve been trying and experimenting with anything I can get my hands on. Remember that popcorn shrimp I mentioned before….the only possibile reasoning I could come up with is that it was heavily breaded and I DRENCHED it in ketchup to get it down. I have found I am a huge fan of salmon and whitefish so yay me!! 🙂 However, according to the paramedics we had to call when my throat was closing and the allergist, I am allergic to shellfish. WHAT?? But what about that popcorn shrimp? What about the bang bang shrimp I like?..oh yea, I had to use my inhaler each time I ate it…hmmm. What about those scallops?…oh yea, had to drink almost and entire bottle of Benadryl. You would think THAT might get my attention….nope…In case you didn’t know I am more stubborn that a mule so I chalked it all up to the seasonings on each one. So, alas, all this work to get the whole “fish eat people” thing out of my head and I can’t even eat most of the seafood I have found I like. Go figure. Touche God, Touche.
I bet you were always wondering what I thought about fish. You’re welcome. 🙂 Next.
Why are people so judgy? It’s not nice. But, am I guilty of being judgy? Yes. So I can’t judge you. Vicious cycle.
I have become fat. Fact. Correction, I HAVE fat…but that doesn’t define me. It doesn’t matter why. And I have had this overwhelming sense of peace come over me lately that I just don’t give a damn. I have way to many other things to worry about right now. With this likely change soon like it usually does and could that day be tomorrow? Maybe. Maybe not. But I’m just going to reflect on it while I sit here and eat these Thin Mints.
Why do they make fridge doors that make a dinging noise when the doors have been opened for “too long?” Alright, I mean I’m not dumb I know why. To save energy and make sure you know if it isn’t closed and shit. BUT, let me just say it’s actually pretty judgy. Very rarely do I go to the fridge and know what I am about to get out to eat so I stand there with the doors open while I figure it out. Who does it think it is to tell me that it is time to close the doors. SHUT UP YOU STUPID FRIDGE, I will close the damn doors when I’m good and ready! My fattiness will thank you for your cooperation in the delicate matter. Wow, two touchy subjects in one: fattiness and judgyness….shame on you fridge!
Ipads:addictive. There, I said it. Even for cats.
This blog post has been brought to you by some very random, and sometimes terrifying, ideas that go through this interesting little head of mine. Was this post necessary? No. Are any of them? No. But you read it and I warned you soooooooooo….
Love, hugs, kisses, and bright pink glitter for now,
Kimmy G 🙂
P.S. Again, I refuse to re-read this so it comes with a guarantee of grammar and spelling mistakes. Also, I blame you again for reading this. You will never get this time of your life back. You’re welcome. 🙂