Guilt: A Dirty Little Word

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To anyone with a conscious, guilt can be one of the worst and most overwhelming feelings one can endure. Guilt for the piece of bubblegum you snatched from the grocery as a small child. Guilt from cheating on that test just enough to get that passing grade. Guilt from that time you had a few bucks and could easily have given it to the homeless person on the street corner. Guilt from breaking a promise. Guilt for that little white lie that maybe no one even found out about. Guilt from hurting someone, anyone’s feelings whether it be through words, actions, or lack of both. Guilt of not being there when you feel you should have been.

To me, the most painful of all and that which weighs the heaviest on my heart, is the feeling of overwhelming guilt when I ever get to feeling sorry for myself and what I’m going through or have been through. I didn’t get into the college I wanted. So what? I was afforded the opportunity to go to finish high school and still go to college. My best friend passed away. So what? His parents lost a child and his siblings lost a brother. I broke my heel. So what? At least I have a leg/foot to break. I’m cold and wish the heat would kick in. So what? I have a roof over my head and a warm place to sleep. I found nothing in the pantry or fridge that I wanted to eat as a snack just now when I was hungry. So what? I have food to eat….maybe not what I want at the moment but I don’t go hungry. You get the picture and I’m sure could add plenty to this list yourself.

When the “why mes” and the “I just can’t catch a breaks” hit me (which has been all too often to want to admit)…there is a sense of guilt the size of a watermelon that seems to be crushing me. I have OCD. So what? I have ADHD. So what? I’m not a size 0. So what? I have anxiety and depressive disorders…mental illness. So what? Those disorders took over my life and I had seizures for 5 months. So what? There are days I can barely function. So what? I have asthma. So what? I am allergic to shell fish…uhhh (long story for another day). So what? Doctors appointments drive me crazy. So what? I can complain and complain and complain…we all can…but what gives me that crushing feeling is that the vast majority of the population on this planet have it worse. And on a smaller scale, many of those are people I know…

(For example….No names)

Multiple single parent’s who at times go without and have to work multiple jobs to get by.

A handful of friends fighting the battle of their lives with cancer and/or staying in remission.

Friends that want a child of their own and it hasn’t worked out thus far.

Friends that are so gracious and loving enough to take in foster kids, children that need a family and love and attention, into their home knowing that it could be for days, months, or longer. They take the risk despite the pain that inevitably comes.

Friends that aren’t mobile for one reason or another.

Friends that have literally hit rock bottom in their lives and have/are climbing their way back up without giving up.

Many friends and family that have had to deal with the death of a friend or loved one.

Friends that don’t have family support…emotionally is especially hard. And on the same note they don’t necessarily have friends that stick around through the tough times.

Friends that are so overwhelmed and worn down but keep that smile on their faces day in and day out.

Loved ones who have had so many different surgeries each that I have lost count.

And many, many who have lost beloved pets recently.

What I am getting at here is we all know, and others will tell you, that it is absolutely alright to whine, gripe, complain, feel down, scream, shout, stomp your feet or what ever else it is you need to do for however you are feeling at the time!! But, on the flip side, guilt is normal. Do I have times, days, and even weeks where I have pity parties? Sure. There is nothing wrong with that…it is a normal human reaction in life. But that moment that God puts that beat in my heart to stop the self pity and feel grateful for what I have, that is the same moment the guilt flows in as well. It’s a tricky line to walk but I’m here to tell you I struggle with that line everyday. It’s your life you have to live it…so find that healthy balance and don’t let guilt overtake you.

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