Kimmy, MD? And All Those Other Letters…

As you likely read on my Facebook post today, I have decided that I am going to medical school. I have already figured out what I am going to specialize in…EVERYTHING!! Yes, I am aware that I still only have an associates degree. Yes, I an also aware I hate school and that my ADD may be a little bit…okay, lot of bit…of a problem. But really, how hard could it be after all the quadrillion million doctors I have seen in my lifetime?! LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL…is it really that hard to get doctors on board with the same diagnosis or at least in the same ballpark. Here is the latest adventure…and I truly just mean latest…

I won’t bother you with the info I already posted a couple days ago, but if you aren’t familiar you can look back and get the info on what’s been going on with my ear for the past two months. Basically I was told I had lots of fluid and compression behind my ear drums and could only be helped by an ENT doctor. I called yesterday to get an appointment and by the grace of God they were able to fit me in TODAY! (Three cheers for that because as a new patient (in unbelievable pain) I was fully expecting for them to say they could not see me for two months and was ready to either turn on the charm or pitch a royal, you-should-be-afraid-I-may-turn-up-at-your-front-door-with-a- ferocious -dinosaur-that-I-had-an-evil- genius -bring-back-to-life-to-go-carnivore-on-your-ass fit!) When the doc walked in I was already in tears from the pain and told him at this point I would “be alright if he would just cut my f**k*n ear off!! This ASS with no bedside manner WHATSOEVER looked in my ears and said, with a touch of douchbaggery at this point, that my ears were perfectly fine and he had no idea what the other doctors were talking about. Well, me being the diligent and cautious patient that I am said, “so what you are telling me that both of the other doctors were completely wrong in what they saw?” His response??? Well I AM the specialist and there is nothing wrong with your ears. Maybe it’s TMJ but you would need to ask a dentist or dental surgeon about that. Because I’m not sure.” Did he offer up ANY suggestions on how to manage the pain in the mean time? NOPE! So what did I do you ask? Of course my attitude went from crying to I-want-to-punch-you-in-the-family-jewels. (which you obviously have big ones to talk to me like that) I rattled off the things I had been doing to try and manage the pain as much as possible so far and he said “sure, I guess that works.” “SURE, I GUESS THAT WORKS!!???!?!?!?” And if that pompous ass told me one. more. time. that he was the specialist when any question came out of my mouth I’m at a loss for words as to what I would have done. Actually, if I had already been to the ABC store (that was an errand for later for some pain management whiskey) I could have just pulled that out and made a drinking game out of it. At least I would have walked out, drunk and pain free for the moment. I told my mom I was SPEACHLESS! ME??!! Speechless??? Yes, those were pigs you saw flying outside today.

LUCKILY…..and I mean that with every fiber of my super ill existence at this point…I had a dentist appointment next for another issue. Now he is awesome!! So, that’s good news because I don’t want to become a dentist. People’s nasty mouths gross me out. bluhhh!  It’s also a good thing because I accept nothing less than nice doctors. This bia will switch a doctor in a heart beat…or quicker if my heart isn’t beating as fast as it does during a panic attack. Just saying. You are still human doctor people, act like it!

Back to my super awesome dentist. I told him how the ENT doctor basically told me how he should do his job. He laughed. I will still grumpy. Any who, I now have this thing called a mouth splint to wear at night for a week or so and part of each day to see if it helps any. Then we will know if my smartass douchbag ENT was right. Also, I’m just going to throw this out there…he told me to try and not talk as much as I can and let the muscle rest in case it is TMJ. I said “HAVE YOU MET ME?!?!?!” I mean I always try to follow all instructions from medical professionals but seriously? I just don’t see this happening. At all. Ever.

With all that said…the only solution is for me to go to medical school so I can diagnose myself or help others not have to go through a trillion doctors to figure out ONE THING. ONE SIMPLE THING…perhaps. You will thank me one day. Well, you might not but my bank account sure will with all these damn co-pays! Actually, maybe you will because I will have a kick ass office and like free food in the waiting room (junk food of course) and you can write on the walls and all the crazy shit you can think of. You are welcome ahead of time. Time to get started so I can be done before I’m 70 and can only treat you grandchildren for about 10 years or so. Come to think of it, I’m not so sure I’ve thought this through…. SMH.

Love, hugs, kisses, too long to go to school, and pink glitter for now,

Kimmy G 🙂

P.S. Do I really have to keep typing this? I suck as spelling and grammar and all that jazz so get over it.

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