Depending on how long you have known me you likely know these special…and by that I mean awesome…qualities of mine. I have ADHD and can go off into another world in 1 second flat, I have no (well, very little anymore) patience when it comes to driving, and well, I’m just me. (There is NO definition or explanation I can come up with for that one) Today I am going to take you on a journey with me…not like a psychedelic journey so put those shrooms back up you hippies! Get ready for an average trip (driving trip, sheesh with the drugs again people!) through my eyes…or brain. YOU SHOULD BE SCARED. Or not surprised…that’s always a valid reaction to my stories as well. Ready. Set. GO!
(Get ready to read at super speed without taking a breath…punctuation means nothing in this story except for others to be able to follow.)
Time to go. Do I have everything? Phone? Check. Purse? Check. All other crap I’m taking? Check. Keys? Check. Crap, didn’t I just have my phone?! (looks around frantically) Oh, here it is. Back pocket, of course! That’s where you normally keep it dummy. Okay, time to go. Lock the door? Check. Walk to car? Check. Uh, where are my keys!? I need those. Get keys from door and walk back to car. Check. Hit the unlock button at least 8 times just to make sure it is actually unlocked. Get in. Front door idiot, you’re driving. Come on, it shouldn’t be this difficult. Put your purse in the passenger side. Turn it around, it’s too heavy from that side it will fall. It’s going to fall over anyway so just turn it back the way it was. Well that was stupid, at least it has a better chance turned the other way. There, much better. The rest of the bags wont fit up here. Squish, push, shove. Damn it. Oooo, backseat! Yes, perfect. Start the car. Keys? Keys? Purse. Of course, that’s a perfectly logical place to put them when you just opened the door and are going to need them. Duh. Alright, now start car. I don’t like this song. Switch stations until I find a song I like. Phone? Phone? My phone needs to be in it’s spot. In my purse? Nope. Crap. Oh yea, back pocket!! How did I forget that? Make sure phone is all set to go. Oh Facebook, I need to check that. Scroll. Scroll. Like. “LOL!.” Like. Scroll. Oooo yay, a notification! NO, I DON’T WANT TO PLAY FARMVILLE! Scroll. Close. Might as well check Instagram. Such a cute quote. I need to save that. Oooo, Marley Lilly sale! Scroll. Like. Like. Like. Oh my gosh, too funny…share. Crap, I need to leave. Put phone down. Ughh! The music’s gone. I HATE COMMERCIALS. Change radio station. Leave already. Try to start car. Why wont the key turn? That’s right it’s already on. Dang girl, I’m on top of things. Back out of driveway. Not moving. Put car in reverse. Back out of driveway. Drive. Drive. Stop sign. Slow down and roll. No cars. Floor it. Drive. Drive. Open sunroof. Sunglasses? Purse. Feel for glasses…KEEP EYES ON ROAD! Found them. Shit, regular glasses. Feel around for other glasses. Turn purse upside down. SCORE! Got ’em. Drive. Drive. Drive. SON OF A….UGHHHH, you knew you were supposed to be in the other lane. Nope, nope, you’re not getting in front of me. “Dumbass.” Drive. What are those blue and red lights up there? Oh shit, somebody done got pulled over. Poor thing. More blue lights. And more. Felony stop! Sweet. Wonder what they did?! Hmmm, there are more lights. Slam on breaks. WHY ARE YOU STOPPING DIPSHIT?! Line of cars. Damn rubberneckers. Oh no, a wreck. I hope everyone is alright! No ambulance. Good. Or bad! Maybe they already left. Aww this is so sad. Officer begins to waive our line through. Go slow. SIR, DO YOU WAVE YOUR HAND FASTER AT ME!! I am just trying to make sure everyone is alri…yikes, that’s going to be a lot of money to fix. I SEE YOU! You’re supposed to go slow for the safety of others. Wonder who that is? Must be a rookie. Wave. “Sorry sir. Thank you for your service!” Oh shit, my window is up. I hope he doesn’t think I was cussing at him! Man, I should go tell him I didn’t. Or send him a letter. I didn’t get his name though. I can just tell him if I see him again what I really said. Drive. Drive. Drive. Did they just flash their lights. I’m pretty sure they just flashed their lights. Are my lights not on? It’s day time Kim. Crap, officer ahead. Be cool. Don’t slam on breaks, I’ll just look guilty. Be cool. It’s been like half a mile and I didn’t see a cop. Why in the world would they flash their lights? Losers. Drive. Drive. EXCUSE ME! I NEED TO MERGE! Get in the other lane you dipshit, it’s empty and I need this one!! F**c y…Oooo, I love this song!! Turn it up. Loud. Sing. Loud. “My Momma don’t like you and she likes everyone…” Dance and sway. BEEP! Oh shit, “sorry Sir, I was just dancing, I didn’t mean to be in your lane too.” Smile and wave. “And now I know, I’m better sleeping on my own…” Wait, why are there three lanes? the picture shows four. WHY DO THEY MAKE THIS SO HARD. Find lane to be in. Curse at the stupid head that swings in front of you because they were in the wrong lane. The same lane you were just in. Okay, I will forgive them this once. Calm yourself woman. Exit. No, not this one. Exit.Wait, but that one says…” Crap. Get off at next exit. No problem, just turn around and go back the other way until the exit. ONE WAY STREET?! Who planned these streets? This is stupid. “WHY AM I JUST SITTING AT THIS LIGHT?! There is no one cominggggg!” Ugh, all the radio stations are on commercials. Just hit CD. “Finally!” I’m not sitting through another light like that. Another red light? OMG, you can turn right on red you idiot. Proceed to turn.Car. Stop and don’t turn. A BUMP IN THE ROAD…that’s way they were flashing their lights at me! That must have been it. No cars. Turn. Wait? What? How is there no entrance ramp here?! “THIS INSANE!!” Drive. Curse. Curse. “GET OUT OF MY WAY!” Curse. Drive. Turn. Drive. “THANKS FOR THE TURN SIGNAL, JERK! Curse. Curse. Turn. What street am I on. Dear God. Drive. Drive. Curse. Scream while cursing. An entrance ramp! “It’s about damn time.” Is this the right one? Hell, who cares at this point. Why have I just heard four Eric Church songs in a row? It much be a marathon. Okay, where am…Oooo look, a flashing billboard. Pretty! Crap. My land. Stay in my lane. Drive. Oh yea, now where am I? “THERE’S THE RIGHT EXIT! SWEEEEET!” Stop at stoplight. Look down. My gas light has been on for a while. Uh oh, down to 1 mile. Good thing I looked. Well, that really means about 5 miles so I’m sure there is a gas station right here somewhere. Green Light. Wait, it’s not a marathon, it’s a CD. Switch back to FM. Beep. “OKAY!” I’m going, I’m going. Sheesh lady, chill. Gas station. YES! …on the other side of the street, of course. Cars coming. Wait. Wait. Wait. Crap, I could have gone. Wait. Wait. I could have gone again. Wait. JUST GO AROUND ME, I’M WAITING TO TURN! Wait, Wait. “Screw it.” Floor it. Shit. Ouch. Well that bump looked smaller from the street. BEEEEEEP. Yea, yea, yea, I needed to turn asshole! You should be going slower. So technically it’s your fault you had to put on your breaks. Think about that for a little bit. (Meanwhile, pull up to gas pump.) Crap, wrong side. That little F****r make me loose my train o…that’s a nice car. I wonder what kind of car that is? Get out of car. I need my debit card. Get back in car. Get debit card and get out of car. Lock car. (safety first!) Swipe card. “Hey, what kind of car is that?” Pump beeps. Oh yea, pin number. Nope. Credit. Is it “Enter” or “Cancel?” Cancel. Shit. Swipe card again. (Other driver: “It’s a Mitsubishi.”) Pump beeps. Enter. Do I want a receipt. No. Yes. Nah. YES! “Oh. Well, I like the color” Ready to pump gas. Gas door closed. Open door. Unlock door then try again. Pop gas tank cover. Shit, why did the hood open? UGHHHHHHH. Pop the other gadget-ma-bobber that makes the gas tank open. Nailed it. Pump gas. Get in car. Get out of car. Close hood. Get in car. Start car and drive away. Oops. take of parking break. Okay, that’s better. Now, which direction was I going? That way!. Yep, that’s right. Cars coming. Wait. Wait. Wait.Wait. “COME ON PEOPLE!” Wait. Just go. Go. Go now. Alright, which street am I looking for? I can’t see the street. There they are. I cant read them. “OH SHIT! Red light” Light turns green. Turn down the music. Who can actually read these street signs? THAT’S it! Turn on left hand signal but turning right and hit breaks. Turn. “MY GOD?!?!?! Seriously, you could have just gone around me. I put my signal on!” Wait. Seriously? No. Yes? “Sweet baby Jesus!!!! I WAS ON THIS ROAD 20 MINUTES AGO WHEN I GOT OFF THE FIRST EXIT!!!” Curse. Curse. Curse a lot. Breathe. Okay, this must be it. Check phone to be sure. Notifications. Sweet. Comment on my post. Cute emoji. I didn’t know that was an emoji. Hmmm. I like it. Turn off Facebook. Check Instagram again. Like. @XYZ CONGRATS! Close Instagram. Turn off c…Ohhh I like this song!! Turn up volume. Sit in car. “I know you ain’t in love with him break up with him, break up with him…” Dance. Sing. Get out of car. Lock car. Unlock car. Get purse. Still has all contents…well at least somewhere on the seat. Sweet. Close and lock door. “I need to check next time I pass someone on that street to see if their lights just naturally flash from a bump in the road.”
So after after leaving home and making it 10 miles down the road I finally make it to my destination. And people wonder why I am tired. BECAUSE MY BRAIN HURTS!
Love, hugs, kisses, who the hell puts blinking billboards on the SIDE OF THE ROAD, and pink glitter for now,
Kimmy G 🙂
P.S. There is no P.S. This one is just beyond explanation and asking for forgiveness on my spelling and grammar. Let’s all just be glad I didn’t have a panic attack just writing down what goes through my brain.
P.P.S. I swear I’m a good driver.